I’ve been struggling lately. With a few things. Things that I never thought I would be struggling with in this lifetime or at least not at this point in my life. In an effort to improve, I’m trying to talk more. To find therapy in human contact and conversation. I’ve been doing a lot of listening as well. To family and friends and strangers and videos and Ted Talks. The theme of all these new conversations and “research” on my end has been on ‘living happily’ and ‘relationships.’

I’ve watched so many talks the last couple days and there was one that hit me so strongly that I needed to write it out. I don’t remember which speaker or talk specifically, but it was about how we say “I hope they liked me,” after so many situations. And how, or why, we aren’t doing ourselves any favors with that.

Personally, I’ve had that thought countless times on countless occasions. After job interviews, after meeting new people, after dates, after teacher conferences, etc. I’m constantly hoping that I made a good impression, or hoping I was able to make someone happy. And the speaker I was listening to, in very simple and plain english said “that’s wrong.” The question SHOULD be “did I like it?”

It really hit home for me. The job interview? Why do I first wonder if they liked me before I wonder if I will like the job? For relationships, why do I wonder if someone will like me or be happy with me when I should first wonder if I like them? It made perfect sense to me that “I hope they like me” translates to living your life up to someone else’s standards. It got me thinking on wide variety of tangents that all center around being happy.

But there’s a fine line, isn’t there? I wrestle with the idea that my happiness could very well come at the cost of someone else’s.